Winter Break and Laundry

Two days worth of laundry. . .

I was so excited for Winter break. Josie and Joshua home all week with me playing and visiting all these great places in Ann Arbor we never have time to visit. Well, it didn't really turn out that way.

Adam and Isaac had runny noses even before the weekend started. Josie had been tired and by Saturday, she started throwing up. This illness quickly spread to everyone--literally everyone! It was a terrible combination of ear aches, runny noses, diarrhea, vomiting, non-stop coughing, Oh--and teething. I was completely amazed at how much laundry we accumulated in a two day period. Adam and Isaac went through a package of 40 diapers in just over a day, and every diaper leaked--everywhere. At any given time during the week I was covered in all this bodily fluid no matter how often I changed my clothes or did the wash. We never get sick, but I guess when we do, we do it well.

Crazy thing was, that before this week, I actually started to reclaim an old desire I had as a girl and a new mom. Ever since I can remember I always wanted to have at least 6 to 8 children. I always felt sad that I never had a younger sibling, despite how hard my mother tried (I'm the youngest of 6). As a girl, I'd ditch my family during sacrament meeting and sit with the family who had the newest baby. Thankfully, my oldest sister started having children when I was 14 so I had unlimited access to all their cuteness before I left for college. But after Joshua's birth and various other life stresses that I didn't handle well, I figured I just wasn't cut out to be one of those mothers. I forgot about my dream and started to feel content with a few children. But that dream never seemed to leave me--always sitting back in my mind, gnawing at me because I was unwilling to accept defeat or unwilling to let go of my fear and step off the edge (not knowing what would really happen if I did).

So, when Adam and Isaac came, something changed. I started to remember that dream, and it started to seem like I could actually do it, that I could be a great mother to 8 children (Am I nuts!). Having twins has been the greatest thing ever. And sure there have been stressful moments and even stressful days, but really--we all have never been happier.

So, admid all the mess and chaos of this lingering illness, I started to question my dream again. Can I really do this? Even when all of us are sick? I told Eric the other day that I could have a dozen children, if they never get sick. Maybe it was the mere 2-3 hours of sleep I got each night, or the constant changing of diapers and clothes. Whatever the case is, I've found myself trying to figure out what I could do better next time. I struggled so much over this past week. I know that struggling started when I began to question whether God was listening to my prayers. I prayed for strength, but I still felt weak. I prayed for energy but I still felt tired. Maybe I should have been able to let go more, somehow enjoy the process of all of us laying around and moaning and be grateful just to be alive . . . to be grateful that I have children to take care of . . . knowing that right now, at this time, there is no where else I'd rather be, no one else I'd rather be with and nothing else I'd rather be doing . . . because I'm doing what I always wanted to do . . . being a mother.

The word "consistency" keeps popping up in my mind lately. It's been in my mind because of a post I read from Brooke's blog. She shared some quotes from a recent parenting book she read:

In your child's developing growth, he is constantly testing you. In doing so, he is not plotting an invasion or laying an ambush. Instead, he is testing you to see if you can be trusted. He is testing you so that he can see that you are dependable, stable, and consistent. And he wants you to pass. Yes, their anxiety wants you to cave at that moment, but their "inner adult" is begging you to not get ruffled and to remain calmly focused on yourself. p.97

Isn't that why we, as God's children, are able to put complete and total faith in Him? His love is perfect, his expectations unchanging, and his trust in us complete. A couple of week's ago I promised myself I would give this consistency to my children. That, regardless of life, I would remain constant and steadfast . . . in my love, our routine, our daily and weekly traditions, my discipline. . . However, I have been failing miserably. This illness got the best of me and I have been anything but constant. Everyday I've struggled at showing my children how much I love them, at disciplining without anger, at keeping up with their chores and scripture study . . . Poor kids have had no idea what they'd wake up to find--mom in a good mood or mom about to cry. And now that we are all feeling better, I see the result of my actions. Josie and Joshua aren't listening well, are not cleaning up after themselves, aren't talking nicely, and are fighting our daily routines. So, maybe the key to being able to have 6, even 8, children is the ability to remain constant in spite of life. To remain immovable admid all this chaos. So, how do you do it? Am I willing to find out? Am I willing to do it? All I know is that I really, really want to. I don't want to give up as easily as I did last time.